TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely out of position. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let us have A further put where by American Adult men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer you everyone a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It really is that he ought to stop using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the venture, replied, "You realize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Good tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from space, a function being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following finding the developing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A Trump Tower Damascus modern SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also include things like:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where by my PTSD may have change-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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